when you are used to abalone, porridge just plain sucks

howdy blog. Its been a while, so long it feels surreal. In this short period of around 3 months, i have been through a lot. Hm, maybe a lot is an overstatement but i dare say i have been through my fair share of ups and downs.

BMT, amazing experience. Unforgettable and gruelling. They say the day you lay your hands upon the rifle, you become a man, i say no. It is the day when you return your rifle that you become a man, a protector and an adult. I thank each and every one from my platoon and my sergeants for enabling me to go through such an enriching journey, brothers in arms and comrades for life, we'll see how true this statement is in the future.

A levels. Just yesterday. It was a cruel change of emotions before and after obtaining that little piece of results slip. That indifference i felt, that composure i had and that confidence i carried were sensationally modified, changed and destroyed. What followed was pure unadulterated disbelief and probably despair. Who could've imagined this kind of impact? I certainly didnt see it coming.

As i write this post, i feel hollow and unloved. I am continually looking back at that pit-stop, that sanctuary i once had just 3 months ago, that sanctuary i once lived comfortably in just 3 months ago and that sanctuary which i had to leave. I didnt want to leave but i had no choice. Life, sometimes, does not offer you a choice. It forces you to grow and fight to survive, it is relentless yet enjoyable. It is ironic.

Expectations shattered, confidence dealt a cruel blow and the road ahead remains treacherous and arduous. I am struggling to come to terms, struggling to face the fact that i am, in fact, not up to the standards i have set for myself. How do i bounce back?

The answer, i have not found. I am trying and i am not giving up. Its just that i cannot find my beacon of light at this moment. I want to move on so badly but something is dragging me back. Pride, jealousy and regret? Is moving on the only option here?

Too many questions, too few answers. Everyone is configured differently and I am who I am.

For now, i find myself alone. I do not enjoy being alone, i want company. But perhaps its out of the best way out of this predicament.

I must survive.

Life IS ironic. =)